Anyone who has spent time in the Disney Parks has come across those few people that make you wonder how they have made it this far in life. They may be lacking in the upstairs department, inappropriate or just plain rude. However they got your attention, these are stereotypical characters that you won’t forget in a hurry. Here is a short guide to the top five most annoying people in the park that you don’t want to be remembered as.
Backpack Guy
I know what you are thinking, “Hang on, I have a backpack..” Well, it takes a little more than that to become Backpack Guy. Firstly, to achieve Backpack Guy status, your backpack needs to be oversized, particularly deep so that it protrudes from your back the maximum distance. Backpack Guy is usually reasonably tall, so you need to make sure the backpack is fastened at head height for most people around you.
Up next you will need to continually shift back and forth in the line, thrusting your backpack into the faces of the people behind you. Don’t forget the occasional, and unexpected, full body swing that can take out anyone around you like the sweeper on Wipeout. Use your oversized backpack to create a 3-foot danger zone around you in any tightly packed ride queuing area possible.
The critical requirement is to be entirely and obnoxiously oblivious to the fact that you are doing anything wrong at all. And never, never, apologize when you knowingly hit someone in the head with the backpack. That is a deal breaker. It is essential to turn around as if you are going to acknowledge the incident and then turn away abruptly as though the other person’s face has inconvenienced your backpack. Bonus points if you have some spilled mystery liquid in the bottom of the bag that leaves a damp impression on anyone that makes contact with it.
Makeout Couple
There is a line between a romantic gesture and the insider’s guide to the sound your throat makes when your partner shoves their tongue in there. Just in case you failed to read the handbook and need this explained, waiting in line for a ride is not the opportune time to disgust those around you by laying all over each other.
Don’t be too self-conscious, a romantic glance or a loving embrace isn’t going to get you to the Makeout Couple’s level of repulsive PDA. But no one wants to hear the sound of your lip smackers and hoodie zippers rubbing together either. Surprisingly, the other park guests were not tempted to invest in this vacation based on the promise of watching a real-life reenactment of Cruel Intentions starring you. Save it for your mother’s basement.
Captain Obvious
“OMG, it’s sooo hot.” No, way, is it? I guess this ski jacket I wore to the park today was a mistake then.
Don’t be that person that stands in the line complaining about how hot it is or how bright it is or how much waiting in line sucks. If you are there without adult supervision, you are old enough to know that stating the obvious under these frustrating circumstances may make those around you want to tape your mouth shut.
If you start to hear the rumbling sound of a hundred eye rolls around you, chances are it is something you are mouthing off about that is encouraging your fellow queue-ers to plot your demise.
Should you end up getting a loudspeaker in your ear asking you to refrain from speaking, don’t be surprised. Everyone has their breaking point and, on a side note, I have seen much stranger things that people carry around with them than a loudspeaker.
The Blasé Bubble Parents
When you sit down with your disappointingly small burger and oversized soft drink, you tend to turn to your on-table seasonings for the classics like salt, pepper, ketchup (tomato sauce for my fellow Aussies); at the extreme, there may be a few crazies out there reaching for the sugar for their meals. What no one is reaching for, however, is the soapy coating of bubble mixture.
Now look, I get it. You have a disgruntled, tired youngster that needs to be kept occupied with something trivial that is not disruptive to your daily plans. I have been there and have had that child. What I have not done is allowed said child to blast their bubbles continuously into other guests personal space.
Let’s unpack this real quick. I don’t want your bubble soap stains on my clothes. I do not want to taste your bubbles or have them pop in my eyes. Seeing your child run around a restaurant blasting bubbles at strangers and their food is NOT cute, it is obnoxious. They are not spreading happiness like Christmas cheer; they are spreading unruly brat syndrome (UBS) which, not only coats all food and drink in the unmistakable taste of bubble mixture, but UBS can also be infectious to other children.
The Height Requirement Cheaters
Most people have experience with approaching a ride only to discover that you or someone in your group are not actually tall enough to ride. It’s disappointing, understandably, and most people will turn away and make arrangements off to the side. But not the Height Requirement Cheater. These offenders are usually parents who give their child, who is clearly several inches too short for the safety cut off, 30 mins worth of tips on how to discreetly stand on tiptoes or arch their head up in hopes that it will get them over the line. Now if you are only an inch away, you might personally decide the safety risk is worth it and give these techniques a try; however, if you are several inches below the line, nothing here is going to work. This will simply be a matter of hoping that the cast member that sees you at the checkpoint is incompetent. At best, you do encounter this inefficiency, and they allow you to board unsafely. Yay, what a triumphant win for you! (Insert eye roll.) That said, most likely you will be turned around at the second height checkpoint. Leaving you and your family upset and disappointed.
From here you have two options. You can either walk away having only mildly inconvenienced those around you, or you can choose to stand there and self-righteously argue. Make that cast member’s day hell. After all, what do they think this is, a safety issue or something? Their diligence is impacting your right to parental ineptitude.
So what are the consequences? Well, you won’t be kicked out, after all, if they can’t get rid of the lady that trains “service poodles” then odds are you won’t be turned away either. What you are in danger of is becoming a memorable part of everyone else’s vacation for all the wrong reasons.
Don’t say you weren’t warned.
